Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Definitely NOT

...Pregnant, that is. Again.

I was so ambivalent before getting pregnant with Emma. I went off the pill in August 2003. Of course for the first few months if I was an hour late I thought I was pregnant. But it died down. I think it was May when I started thinking, "shouldn't I be getting pregnant by now?" It was summer when I bought ovulation tests, and I ended up returning them because I found out I was pregnant at the end of August 2005. I had just started to think about it, so I was shocked. I took 3 pregnancy tests, thinking there had to be a mistake. Then the euphoria set in and it hasn't quite left.

At some point during my pregnancy I knew I wanted two children. And since I was 39 when I gave birth to Emma, I knew the second would have to follow closely. I talked about timing with my doctor and she suggested that we start trying again at 6 months. We stopped using birth control at 4 months... I was still breast feeding, but started using the ovulation tests. I had also heard that a woman is more fertile after giving birth. I was reading all these stories about women who accidentally got pregnant a few months after giving birth. I just found out one of the mothers in my mother's group is pregnant again last week... Without meaning to be... But she's not 40. Bitch.

Saying I want another child just doesn't do this feeling justice. I believe that it is my destiny to have another child. I am obsessed with having another child. I will be heartbroken in an epic way if I don't have another child...NOW.

So now I have another month of trying. I remember hearing a friend complain about this and thinking, lots of sex? Great! You'd think it would be fun, right? It just ends up being stressful.

This is exactly where I tried not to be: desperate to get pregnant. I know, if it doesn't happen I have a great, wonderful, beautiful daughter and I am blessed. But I know it's my destiny to have two wonderful, beautiful children. I just know it is.

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