Monday, April 24, 2006

Miscarriage con't

This really dragged on. I guess I should have had the D&C when I first miscarried, but I thought my body would take care of it. Instead, I spent Friday and Saturday in the hospital. First they tried to use medication and when that didn't work, they performed a D&C.

It's over now, and I finally feel like I'll recover. I've had a hard time talking about this... I've felt like my heart was in my throat and if I tried to talk I just cried. But even now, as I start to feel better, I wonder what there is to say. I have no words on hand to describe the loss, and I don't have the energy to try to find them. It's just time to move on.

Friday, April 14, 2006


One in five pregnancies end this way. And the odds go up when you hit 40, increasing to 35%. I shouldn't be surprised that it happened to me. The fact that I was so shocked feels a little like hubris.

I knew something was wrong because I had no morning sickness. I told myself, "this is just an easy pregnancy" ignoring the fact that I knew for a fact that nothing was going to be easier at 40. But I still saw my doctor, expecting a firm reassurance. Instead, she ordered blood work and a scan. I think it was the one time I wanted her to not take me seriously. "Oh, you have nothing to worry about" was what I expecting to hear. Not the "it doesn't sound good" that she actually said.

Despite the cramps I had on Monday, the excruciating backache and not being able to sleep, Lars and I showed up at the scan Tuesday morning fully expecting to see a little heartbeat. We didn't. At eight weeks, the fetus was just the size of 4 or 5 weeks. "Are you sure you have the dates right?" asked the midwife. "There's no doubt" I said. "I'm sorry" she said. And we both broke down.

I went to the emergency room and had more blood work and another scan. We were sent home and told to call Wednesday morning for the results of the blood work. I woke up Wednesday morning already knowning the answer. I had started bleeding.

I went to the hospital to have a D&C, but just as the nurse came to get me, my body aborted the fetus. I was given meds and sent home. I took one dose of the meds and got a hive, so I stopped taking them. The last thing I need now is an allergic reaction. Today I feel fine physically... nothing more than a normal menstrual period. Emotionally I'm better off than I expected. The one strange emotional side effect has been a relunctance to be around Emma. I hadn't expected feeling resentment that I couldn't really have time to grieve. Lars has been great--very supportive and picking up all the slack. I think all I need is just a little time... and maybe a little more time to myself.

This experience has definitely shown us how much we want another child. That's one of the things that's keeping me going. It'll work next time... or the time after. I know I've got at least one good egg left.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

End of May

It's been a while since my last blog. Things have been really busy with selling the house, buying a new house in Billund (pictured above) and a week long business trip to the U.S. thrown in for good measure. We found a great house in an area where all of the houses are from the mid to late 90s. Our new house was built in 1996, then modified in 2004 with an add on. We're gaining almost 50 square meters more and there isn't much work to do when we move in, just some painting. What I like the best about it is the two huge (by Danish standards) bedrooms, it has a great bathroom and a lovely garden.

Now we only have about 6 weeks to move in!

Great pancake recipe

My friend Vikki made these pancakes for a baby shower and they were great. I met Vikki in the hospital; she had a baby boy a few days after I had Emma. Apparently her 11 month old son and her 3 year old daughter loves pancakes.

Golden-Nugget Oatmeal Flapjacks

Makes about 48 silver-dollar sized pancakes

1 cup whole milk
¼ cup apple juice concentrate (I just use ¼ - ½ cup regular apple juice)
2 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted
1 whole egg
2 egg whites
1 cup whole-wheat flour
½ cup rolled oats
½ cup wheat germ (hvedekim)
2 ½ teaspoons low-sodium baking powder
¼ cup non-fat dry milk
1 ½ teaspoons vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon (optional)
½ cup dried apricots, finely chopped
Vegetable cooking spray

1.) Beat the whole milk, juice concentrate, butter, egg and egg whites together in a large bowl. Add in the remaining ingredients through the vanilla (or cinnamon if using) and beat just until smooth. Fold in chopped apricots.
2.) Spray a skillet or griddle with vegetable cooking spray. Heat over medium-high heat until very hot. Reduce the heat to medium and spoon batter to make 2-inch pancakes. When the surface of the pancakes begins to bubble and the bottoms are nicely browned, about 2 minutes, turn and brown and the other side, about 1 minute more.

Best Odds Toddler Servings in four 2-inch pancakes: 2/3 whole grain: ½ protein, some calcium, 1/6 Fat.