Friday, April 14, 2006


One in five pregnancies end this way. And the odds go up when you hit 40, increasing to 35%. I shouldn't be surprised that it happened to me. The fact that I was so shocked feels a little like hubris.

I knew something was wrong because I had no morning sickness. I told myself, "this is just an easy pregnancy" ignoring the fact that I knew for a fact that nothing was going to be easier at 40. But I still saw my doctor, expecting a firm reassurance. Instead, she ordered blood work and a scan. I think it was the one time I wanted her to not take me seriously. "Oh, you have nothing to worry about" was what I expecting to hear. Not the "it doesn't sound good" that she actually said.

Despite the cramps I had on Monday, the excruciating backache and not being able to sleep, Lars and I showed up at the scan Tuesday morning fully expecting to see a little heartbeat. We didn't. At eight weeks, the fetus was just the size of 4 or 5 weeks. "Are you sure you have the dates right?" asked the midwife. "There's no doubt" I said. "I'm sorry" she said. And we both broke down.

I went to the emergency room and had more blood work and another scan. We were sent home and told to call Wednesday morning for the results of the blood work. I woke up Wednesday morning already knowning the answer. I had started bleeding.

I went to the hospital to have a D&C, but just as the nurse came to get me, my body aborted the fetus. I was given meds and sent home. I took one dose of the meds and got a hive, so I stopped taking them. The last thing I need now is an allergic reaction. Today I feel fine physically... nothing more than a normal menstrual period. Emotionally I'm better off than I expected. The one strange emotional side effect has been a relunctance to be around Emma. I hadn't expected feeling resentment that I couldn't really have time to grieve. Lars has been great--very supportive and picking up all the slack. I think all I need is just a little time... and maybe a little more time to myself.

This experience has definitely shown us how much we want another child. That's one of the things that's keeping me going. It'll work next time... or the time after. I know I've got at least one good egg left.

No comments: